Saturday, April 20, 2013
Harry Potter meets Animal House in this magical comedy about a school crazier then
Richard "Vegas" Beltran is an underachiever. That’s bad for any student, but it’s
especially bad when you go to a wizardry school. Black Magic is something to
be taken very seriously, but Vegas has been caught smoking “eye of newt” in
the boys’ bathroom, and all of his bubbling cauldrons seem to contain ice and
The principal, Professor Diaz, is ready to drop Vegas into a slower-paced magic
class. But Vegas would rather die, Houdini-style, in a botched escape act than
have to suffer through “remedial magic.” After all, Vegas only came to Absolution
High, school for the “Special Sciences,” to learn a spell that would bring his
girlfriend, Katherine, back from the dead.
Unfortunately, now that his tuition's been paid, he finds that resurrecting the
dead is an act of Godslaughter—a forbidden form of magic—and at Absolution
Academy, an illegal activity.
But “illegal” is a funny word…and one among many that Vegas doesn’t know the
Li Chaka is spends her time dreaming about drunken wizards, music obsessed
necromancers and Bill Murray movies (Ghostbusters 2 being the FAV!). Sometimes she
writes down these strange ideas just for her own enjoyment. Then she heard that some
people actually make MONEY off of writing and selling their strange ideas. Lord have
Mercy! Will wonders ever cease !? Magic School U.S.A is her first published book but it
won't be her last.
Purchase a copy at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CF8NPD4
There were only a few lights on in the hallways, but other than that, the coast
was clear. The adrenaline was pumping in Vegas's body and, in a way, he felt awesome.
Exhilarating! It probably wasn't good that he got such a rush from being bad, but it was
what it was. He pulled a beer out of the pouch of his hoodie, cracked it open and started
chugging it. More awesome! He knew there had to be security cameras mounted up
all over the dormitory, especially the little lounge area with the big screen TV. Magicians
were known for stealing, right? As if half of magic isn't about making expensive shit
disappear. The guards were probably half-asleep or jerking off to videos of the girls’
volleyball practice. Either way, he prayed they'd be too preoccupied to care what he
was up too. Once he got outside, though, there would be other problems. The Tommy
Walkers were being placed around the school grounds. He remembered what Wesley
had said about them being created to restrict unauthorized magic. Those Illuminati
death machines were made just for bad little monkeys like Vegas.
He felt the nice cool air blast his face as soon as he opened the heavy double
doors. The cold of this island was something a California boy like Vegas was not
yet accustomed to. But, as he wandered around the back end of the dormitories, he
admitted that the Menzai nights were even more beautiful than the California nights. The
sky was filled with stars and they seemed almost close enough to reach for. He'd been
on earth for sixteen years, but night and day was still an amazing concept for him.
He wanted to break into Allen Allens’ lab, but he had to make it halfway across
campus to do so. The box carrying Vladimir was clutched to his chest as he snuck
around the back. He saw the guard station and ducked behind a tree. Dwight was inside
the booth fast asleep. Vegas wanted to conjure up a spell to mess with him a little,
maybe hex him a nice wet dream starring Barney, one of the other guards. Shenanigans
like that would have to wait though. Vegas was on an important mission. He was gonna
have to go stealth ninja mode and creep his way across campus.
"So I creep…yeah-aah. Just keep it on da down low…" Vegas sang the old
T.L.C. song silently to himself, running and ducking behind another tree. "Nobody
is supposed to know...yeah-ah…"
He shot from that tree and dived behind another. He went a little go hard and
almost crushed Vladimir's box underneath him. Pushing twigs and nature crap out of his
way, Vegas heard a low grumbling as he started crawling on the ground like a marine.
Yeah, we're effin' pumped! Absolution Academy security probably didn't call for
this much stealth warrior-ness, but the Corona he'd been sipping was making Vegas
action ready. Let's milk this adventure for all it's worth!
"Yeah, I CREEP…yeah-ah, so Dwight won't know what I do..." Vegas continued
as he moved through the darkened grass. The grass felt moist, cool and amazing
against his skin. He imagined that the bright, white lights shining from poles around the
campus were moving, searching for him. They weren't; nobody cared. But this was
fun; he was a big kid using his imagination, running around in the grassy night
world like he was trying to escape from prison.
A squirrel darted out at him, and Vegas let out a surprised scream. The little furry
jackass landed on his back, ran down his ass between his legs and then shot straight
ahead, flying up a tree at sonic speed.
"Little fucker!" Vegas shouted at it. Even the wild life in this place was psycho.
"Creeping through the grass, squirrelly seems to like my ass..." Vegas
rapped. "Squirrelly wants some nuts, what a kick! It's late on a school night, he wants to
He laughed, wondering how much he'd get paid to ghost write for Waka Flocka
Flame, when something suddenly grabbed hold of his leg.
What the Fuck?! He let out a fart from pure excitement as another hand
reached out of the ground and took hold of his neck.
"Aaaaaahhhhhh!!" Vegas yelled, struggling to pull himself up. Before he
could break free, two more hands grabbed his shoulders, pulling him back down
to the grass and dirt.
"DWIGHT! DWIGHT!" Vegas yelled. The hand around his throat squeezed
tighter, but it couldn't get a strong enough grip to stop Vegas from yelling. Not that it
made much difference; Dwight was in the security booth, napping away, as Vegas's
nighttime assault continued on the security cam in front of him.
Vegas pulled his neck away from the hand. "DWIIIIGGHT!!!"
His attention turned to the spot in front of him, his green eyes growing wide as
saucers, when two hands, one male and one with bright nail polish like a girls, sprouted
from the ground like corn stalks. He watched as the arms reached four feet tall and
continued to grow.
Frozen in shock, Vegas's eyes rolled up to gaze at the sprouting hands. Like
sunflowers in a nightmarish inverse world, they remained high above him, illuminated by
the moonlight. The fingers spread and easy, like flower petals.
Then, they bent at the elbow, palms slapping the ground. Whatever this creature
was, it was trying to pull itself out of the dirt.
Please somebody, shoot me in the head! Gouge out my eyes! I don't want to see
this! He silently begged.
The horror flushed all thoughts of escape away as the soil in front of him moved
and pulled apart. A human head unearthed itself, its black, hollow eye sockets turned to
face Vegas. Mort immediately came to Vegas's mind, except this cadaver was so much
more terrible. There was intelligence behind those eye sockets that couldn't be driven by
anything but pure evil.
The creature finally made it out of the soil only to reveal its true form. It wasn't a
rotting, smelly corpse after all---it was several rotting, smelly corpses all sewn together to
make a Zombie Spider!
The arms that sprouted out of the ground were the creature’s long, spider legs.
Its head was stitched onto the front of its body, barely erect, but able to turn and move
around. Its abdomen was made of two human ones sewn together.
Vegas had never seen anything so disgusting in his life, not even in his drunken
wet dreams. It was more than he could handle, and he began to feel a strange calm
wash over him. By the time he realized he was about to pass out, there was nothing he
could do to sto-...
The zombie spider moved towards Vegas as the unseen monster that had
snared the boy began to pull him under. The earth rumbled again as the soft soil spread
apart like water. And Vegas, trapped in the quiet dark of his unconsciousness, went
down, down, down. As if being dragged to hell.